#IWD2022 Building New Identities

Leaving her job presented an emotional challenge apart from a physical one, especially since Annette had come to know her colleagues as a second family.

“All my colleagues were like my family members,” she told us. “They would ask me about my children, about my exams… That made me feel less alone.”

"To care for a child with special needs is tough; there's an endless number of therapy sessions and medical appointments. Let's not forget that there are long waiting hours to endure, [because of] many circumstances that are unforeseen and can't be helped, like when other children need more attention, so appointment hours [can get] pushed back," she explained. "Daily caring is okay, but when there's an emergency… I was fortunate to have such a supportive boss, who would give me the green light to leave when I had emergencies [with the kids] to take care of."

Given the close-knit community, Annette had found in her working environment, leaving her job felt like losing a part of her that had become central to her identity.

"There's a harmful stereotype of housewives, what we call the 'huang lian po' [yellow-faced women]," she described the image of a poorly dressed and dishevelled middle-aged woman, the belittling colloquial. A term often used at the expense of mothers who were not professionally employed and had left their jobs to take care of their children. "Apart from dealing with the mental and emotional drain and burnouts, sometimes we don't feel respected as mothers. People forget that being a Mom is also a difficult job."

"There are times we feel that we're not living for ourselves, but our children."

This explains why Annette advocates self-care, a practice that helps with her self-esteem. "Self-care doesn't need to be luxurious. Making yourself a cup of coffee after the children have left for school, watching dramas, having a moment to sit in silence when you are done with household chores are all forms of self-care. I like to take some time to ensure that I look presentable for myself. Take the time to ask yourself, 'do I like how I look today?"

Engaging in self-reflection allowed her to appreciate herself better as a parent and a woman. While Annette once found it difficult to reconcile her workplace ambition with the responsibilities she shoulders as a mother, she cheerfully told us that the decision to look after Thaddeus and Jovan proved to be rewarding, as it allowed her to access different platforms to spread awareness on special needs.

"I was in and out of different jobs and companies, so I got to meet different people. Along the way, [I found that] some of my colleagues didn't even know about autism. Many of them had their stereotypes, so this allowed me to let them know autism itself is a spectrum, [some] are less impaired in their daily living skills, [and some] are verbal. Letting [others] know that those with special needs are not that different from us, [I consider that] a blessing in disguise."

But she finds that not everyone can be keen to learn more. When asked about her most significant barrier in being a caregiver for persons with special needs, Annette replied quietly, “the eye of the public”.

"There are people who will label you as a bad parent who doesn't guide your children well, especially when younger. Thaddeus and Jovan can experience meltdowns where they would sit on the road and refuse to move, and people will point their fingers at you."

This worry about societal judgment extended to her concern about seeking help. "There was a long period I was so afraid to ask for help. My situation with Thaddeus and Jovan was so different from other people's. To others, I was just an aunt; they couldn't comprehend why I was doing this."

““Life is unpredictable. We can only make the best of what we have.” ”

— Annette, caregiver of Club Rainbow Singapore

Experiencing rejection from kindergartens and childcare centres was almost "a slap to the face", where she found the legitimacy of her family questioned. "Once they knew that I wasn't their actual parent, I would start to experience a bit of pushback."

This desire to help parents like her enabled her to find her calling. After attaining her diploma in special needs education, Annette became a part-time special needs tutor. She helps special needs students with sensory and regulation issues, work habits, and learning gaps. For her future, Annette aspires to lead a social enterprise employing persons with special needs. She encourages women like her who desire to return to the workplace to develop more skills in preparation for the workforce.

"Life is unpredictable. We can only make the best of what we have." she acknowledged. "Let's live at our own pace and don't compare ourselves to others."

Written by: Rachel Kok Chian Yee
Edited by: Club Rainbow (Singapore)

#IWD2022 Finding Balance in Rocky Waters

Carolyn considers motherhood “a school of hard knocks” like her job. While she enjoyed her career in Corporate Sales and Marketing in the logistics industry for 12 years, her decision to leave her job was motivated by the need to “witness their milestones in detail” when her job left her with only just enough time to “shuttle them from childcare to home”. Although her aspirational image of a mother has always been a “high-powered Working Mom who can multi-task between her job and her children”, Carolyn soon found other considerations that she prioritised.

“I didn’t want them to be ‘transited’ from one classroom (school) to another classroom (childcare centre), every child has their season, and I wanted to be there for each season. I wanted to provide for them not only financially, but also security.”

While the choice was made without regrets, she explained that there were significant changes that she had to adapt to when moving from a career-focused person to a domestic “home minister”.

“The image [of a homemaker] is a lot less glamorous,” she explained, “office jackets were exchanged for just t-shirts and shorts. Office heels were exchanged for slipped-on sandals. I no longer wear make-up as well, as my world centred around my home, supermarkets, their school, and the hospital.”

“Most of all, I no longer have my monthly salary and purchasing power to buy what I want.”

But while she has left her job, Carolyn continues to emulate certain structures of the corporate world at home. “More budgeting is involved in a single-income family,” she told us, “and I’ve found more creative ways to aid the kids in their learning at school.”

When asked about the challenges of her job, Carolyn explained her work was manageable, but it was the demands of motherhood and caring for children with special needs that she struggled.

“There’s a very steep learning curve because parenting does not come with a manual,” she said. “Each of them has their own special needs. Recently, the expectation on a Mom is a lot higher, there are a lot more hats to carry, teachers will ask parents to follow up on their children’s work, and it’s not easy.”

““It’s tough, but it’s also humbling,” ”

— Carolyn shares on her journey in motherhood, caregiver from Club Rainbow

To stay grounded, Carolyn stays connected with friends of similar circumstances from her support groups, where they share their experiences and draw strength from one another’s strategies. She also finds time to catch up with her old friends over coffee or even a quick lunch to establish balance and take time for herself. She also encourages mothers in similar situations to speak to professional counsellors if they need help, which has helped her process her thoughts when she is helpless.

“It’s tough raising a child with special needs because it’s going against [the] mainstream flow,” she told us. “Many don’t seem to understand the struggles of caregivers and children with special needs, and we need to ensure that they encourage and not judge the child’s development.”

She also shared the importance of resilience, a skill she has developed in searching for a Mathematics tutor who can deal with dyslexia and hyperactivity. In this process, she’s been encouraged by many similar mothers, and for that, she is grateful.

“It’s tough, but it’s also humbling,” she spoke on her journey in motherhood. “I’ve learnt that it’s okay, not always to be okay. We can seek help for it. We are not machines; we need to take good care of our mental being to walk a long journey with our children.”

Written by: Rachel Kok Chian Yee
Edited by: Club Rainbow (Singapore)

#IWD2022 Managing Expectations in Her Sail

13 years in customer service is no mean feat, so we had to ask Anisah about her secret to building confidence and resilience in her career. She attributed it to being equipped with the proper skill sets.

"I was very fortunate to be given a proper traineeship program, learning from the basics, which helped my interest in aviation customer service grow," she reminisced. "I took pride in my work even if I was the lowest in rank because I knew that I would only enjoy my work if I learned more and fell in love with all parts of the job."

“years in customer service built greater empathy in her,
a human touch on a global scale.”

— Mdm Anisah

She explained that her years in customer service built greater empathy in her, and she described it as a "human touch on a global scale".

"Once you put on the uniform, you need to help the customer to the best of your abilities. Putting yourself in the customer's shoes, if you encountered such a problem, you may feel very lost and need someone to help you with it."

Her work taught her that seeking help was not something to be ashamed of, and she drew strength from her seniors at work, who were also mothers. "I felt that if they could manage to be a working Mom, so could I." But her life experienced a turning point when Aniq was diagnosed with autism, and Anisah's priorities shifted to taking care of and spending more time with her family.

Time management was a skill she brought with her even as she left her job. "Becoming a Stay-at-home Mom means that I need to plan my own time. I was very used to the rostering system at work, so once I became a housewife, I realized I had to do the same myself to be punctual and efficient. I even set my alarms to remind myself what to do at what time," she told us with a laugh.

One thing that never changed was Anisah's dedication to being mindful of taking time for the whole family. She explained that her decision to leave her job was also rooted in her desire to watch her children grow up since she found the first seven years of childhood a significant period for the parent-child bond. While Aniq's condition meant that she had to spend more time with him, Anisah was also careful planning time for her other children. As her two youngest children are 5 and 2 years old, Anisah taught her two older children how to look out for Aniq and communicate with him, enabling the siblings to grow much closer in recent years.

In this process of learning, Anisah understood the need to be flexible, especially in providing care for persons with special needs—and to her, that meant embracing all of Aniq.

"Embracing means accepting everything about him wholeheartedly, including the things you cannot change. Having goals for your kids is important, but since they are your goals, you cannot always expect that they will definitely be fulfilled. The goal may not always be suitable for him. You must be flexible because you plan for them, and don't give up on them."

Such flexibility enabled her to consider Aniq's needs when the family had to leave home for certain events such as weddings and gatherings or even spend time together. Decisions on places to go are often limited by Anisah's perception of the safety of the environment and the physical friendliness and unwanted judgment.

"It got more difficult to manage as he got older. As a child, people won't say anything about it. But as he grows up, people will ask, 'Why is he still acting like a child? Why haven't you taught him how to behave properly?' When we go out, I need to consider these things because many people don't understand what he's experiencing, and I'd rather prevent him from being questioned."

She explained that not being able to perceive his condition visually increased the level of judgment from others. "People are a lot more sensitive when the disability is visible, but when they cannot see it, they make assumptions like, 'Oh, he's just spoilt'. As he got older, people started using even harsher words. I don't want to expose him to such comments."

The amount of pressure she experiences daily led her to find different outlets to take time for herself. Anisah tells us that she cherishes her daily morning walks, which she takes after her children have been sent to school. She is also thankful for the support from her husband, who frequently shows his concern for her mental well-being and spends time with her outside when the children are occupied.

"Being a Mom is a skill, not just a responsibility. You need to listen to your own body. If you need time off, you can take some time off. For me, it's going grocery shopping with my husband." - Anisah

Written by: Rachel Kok Chian Yee
Edited by: Club Rainbow (Singapore)