In their lifetime, they undertake many roles – the disciplinarian, the teacher, the chef, the housekeeper, the doctor; the list goes on. However, far less is discussed on their roles as daughters, as wives and as employees, and the challenges that transitioning between roles may bring. For Annette, Anisah and Carolyn, this role, which never came with an instruction manual, presented an added challenge when they discovered that their children had special needs.
This month, in celebration of International Women's Day, we sat down with three caregivers of Club Rainbow's young beneficiaries to discuss how they came into their own and took charge of their direction in life, both at home and beyond their families.
MOM AT THE HELM
After 13 years as a Customer Service agent in the aviation industry, Anisah left her job to take care of her children, especially considering her son Aniq's special needs. Her resolve in this move was cemented when her helper ended her contact with the family.
"Two months after my helper left, I told my husband, 'Something needs to be let go'," she recounted. "I wanted to let him concentrate on his responsibility to provide for the family, and shortly after we discussed this, I tendered [my resignation]. It's a big decision that came with a lot of sacrifices, but I don't have any regrets because I knew I wanted to spend time with my children as they grew up."
Similarly, Carolyn used to be a working mother, where she occupied a client-facing position in Corporate Sales and Marketing in the logistics industry. She remembered fondly that a day in her life included fulfilling client appointments, talking to customers to manage service issues, and troubleshooting to bridge the gap in communication between clients and her company's Operations department.
Caring for three young children with special needs, Lucas, Jonas and Titus, took an inevitable toll on her health. She eventually elected to leave her job as she was concerned about adhering to her strong work ethic and providing high service quality. "There is a steep learning curve that comes with managing newborns with children," she told us. "I had to juggle time between the hospital and home, keep the boys apart when one of them were infected with illnesses, and there was so much to learn, [not just about] managing young children, [but also about] medical conditions and tests."
At the age of 25, an age that most young women would prefer focusing on their work opportunities, Annette took her brother's two kids under her wing and, a few years later, under her roof. As the main caregiver of Thaddeus and Jovan today, the brothers have been living with Annette and her family since 2018 as a permanent arrangement with limited parental involvement. Annette's son, Jeryl, now recognizes Thaddeus and Jovan as his brothers and vice versa.
When she was pregnant with Jeryl in 2013, Annette found working full-time managing two children and her pregnancy was very taxing. She had also just joined a new company in the supply chain industry upon completing her part-time degree in Supply Chain Management. While her supportive work environment moved her, Annette eventually left her position as a Supply Chain Executive for a more balanced family life. When asked about her strengths, Annette grappled with that question.
"I think [many] mothers don't know where our strengths lie," she said. She explained that it resulted from a constant feeling of 'Mom guilt', the pervasive sense of not doing enough for their children that many parents experience. "But even if we don't see [them], [as] we take care of our kids; we are developing our strengths. We need to remember that we're already doing a lot more than we thought we could before."
Carol had similar thoughts. While she found it difficult to identify her strengths, she candidly told us that her working experience had made her a "firefighter" in her resilience. She likened any issue to a "service failure". "It's the idea to pick myself up and keep going, no matter how difficult [it is]," she said.
As for Anisah, she believes that "attitude determines results", and shared how having a positive mindset enabled her to influence her other four children not to think negatively of their brother when he was experiencing meltdowns. "Being a positive thinker doesn't mean avoiding all negativity, but acknowledging that it is a challenge and learning how to tackle issues instead of complaining about them."
THROUGH THICK AND THIN
When asked about the changes needed for a more inclusive community, Annette emphasized that we need to develop greater humanity and reduce stereotyping behaviour.
“We may be losing a sense of humanity as we enter the digital era,” she explains. “The human touch is important for the special needs community. I think that education is just the first step. To promote inclusivity, we need to understand that we are all similar.”
“I urge all preschool teachers to be trained in special needs because there is a wide group of special needs people; we cannot lump them altogether. Even within the autism community, we understand that there is a wide spectrum, and so do the other communities, for down syndrome, dyslexia, ADHD, et cetera. As a society, we need to be more careful when addressing people who are not neurotypical and understand that there is still a lot to learn about others.”
Similarly, Carolyn shared that systems and social norms can be improved. “I think we need to shift our mindset; just because something is not mainstream doesn’t make it a failure.”
She explained that there was a long period when she could not find a place to school, Jonas, and was challenged by non-inclusive preschools. As a result, Jonas had to switch preschools three times in three years, and the worry that he was not in a supportive and caring environment left her constantly on her toes.
“For now, we depend on teachers and parents to make a difference,” she said. “There is a need for better parent-teacher communication networks so that both parties can be better aligned on students with special needs. Better home-school support can also empower our children.”
Anisah believes that focusing on what persons with special needs can do compared to what they cannot do can promote greater inclusivity.
“We need to reduce judgment,” she highlighted. She encourages the public to approach parents with special needs children if they are interested to learn more about them.
“Stop looking at their disabilities, and instead focus on their abilities. Maybe someone has autism, and they may not communicate well, but they can draw, play instruments, and take instructions in their own way. If you can listen and relate to them, you will be able to include them.”
Written by: Rachel Kok Chian Yee
Edited by: Club Rainbow (Singapore)